I’m not ok

The 20th of July should see me holding child number 3 in my arms – instead it will be an anniversary of a child lost. I had a miscarriage just over 6 months ago, and yet I’m still not over it. And I wonder if it’s something you can ever get over.
I suffered with quite serious post-natal depression after both of my children, so I can see the signs, and I can see the path I’ve been falling down these past few months. Pretending it didn’t happen, pretending that I’m ok, pushing negative feelings back inside and not sharing with anyone. I feel guilty and I feel numb. And that’s not good.
This weekend was the straw that broke the camels back. Coming up to what was supposed to be my due date and being in denial, then my hot water tank exploded, I missed my work’s day out, my little guy Xander had an accident at school and both my kids have been acting like monsters in general. Small things adding up and pushing me until I want to put my face into a pillow and scream.

I know I need to do something, I just don’t know what. How do you grieve for a child you never met? How do you move on when you never gave yourself time to deal with it when it actually happened? How do you work through a depression that you’re pretending doesn’t exist?

Image credit: Paqman @ Flickr

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16 Responses to I’m not ok

  1. Paul Hooker says:

    From a dad’s point of view I’ve never got over losing four through miscarrage. It hurts every time i think about them. It brings me to tears. Stay strong.

    Paul.

    ‘An Angel in the book of life wrote down a baby’s name , and whispered as she closed the book “too beautiful for earth”. ♥ ♥ ♥’

    • Sarah says:

      Hi Paul, thanks so much for your words, and I’m so sorry for your loss too. I have been thinking about how a daddy deals with miscarriage, because my OH still won’t talk about what happened and told me I should get over it. This from a guy who is at all other times supportive and caring.
      He was quite ill at the time of the miscarriage and I was caring for him, so I think he blames himself for me getting stressed out and causing this. Do daddies feel the pain and guilt of miscarriage just as much as mums, or even more so because they can’t do anything to stop it?

      xxx

  2. teagirl86 says:

    Stay brave, keep writing. It will get better. Hugs xx

  3. Yvette says:

    I’m posting this anonymously, with an anonymous email. My name is not Yvette. But you do know me.

    I don’t have children yet, haven’t been through exactly what you have. Your experience is personal to you. I respect that. I don’t take that away. I do know depression, and I know grief. I can only tell you a bit about my experience, my beliefs and what has worked for me.

    You have started the healing process just by writing this. Its so brave. By admitting this to yourself, and to everyone who reads this. You have started to cease pretending. I once asked myself “is it possible to be in denial if you KNOW you are in denial”
    You have started to push the negative feelings out. Try to keep doing that.
    It hurts. I know. It REALLY hurts. Bringing all the crap to the surface. But only by doing that can it be washed away.
    Try not to feel guilty. I know thats so easy for me to say, but at the end of the day, you can’t change the past. You will never forget it, but it doesn’t always have to hurt you. It doesn’t have to hold any power over you.
    YOU hold the power NOW Sarah. For the present and for the future.

    Think what has worked in the past to get you out of feeling like this. Use it again. Be open to new things.

    Know that you are loved.
    Allow yourself to feel
    Never ever forget. There is always hope. Even when you feel hopeless.
    Hold on to that.

    Yvette Joetta Smith

    • Sarah says:

      I think this blog post was a long time coming – something I’ve needed tow rite but kept holding back for months now because I was too scared to talk about it. And its true that admission is part of the healing process. I’ve certainly been through the anger step already, still feeling pretty bitter towards the world and any higher powers there might be out there, but again I think this is something only time can heal.

      Thanks for the support and wise words, they mean alot xxx

      P.S very curious as to who you are, secret Yvette!

      • Yvette says:

        Lets just say I am someone just as scared as you.

        Instead of not talking… I talk under a pseudonym.

        Sharing what I have learned about life with people like you, who are also struggling helps me too. So thanks… because I’m still working on it.
        x

        • Sarah says:

          You’re scared? Then I really do hope you’re talking to someone and sharing those fears, because it’s the only way to overcome them.
          I think sharing our experiences is healing for us, and helping for others. Even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time.

          I’ve been really up and down the past 2 days but I realised this morning that I don’t feel as heavy, and I think thats because I’m not walking around with this big guilty secret inside of me anymore. Writing this blog post and talking to you guys did that.

          Hope you’re ok today Yvette xxx

  4. I don’t know the asnwers to any of your questions I am afraid but I do know that getting it out there and talking about it, you are helping yourself and others. I wrote a very similar post late last year – http://mdplife.blogspot.com/2010/11/due-date-today.html. I did not accept of mourn at first straight after the loss. For me lots of talking and writing have helped.

    If you do believe you have depression, then get yourself to the docs and have a chat. I’ll be praying for you. Mich x

    • Sarah says:

      Talking is healing, as is typing, I think. Blog therapy.

      I read your blog post and it actually made me think about what I *do* have – and I should be thankful for that and try to focus on the positives in my life. Its just really hard isn’t it, to let that fantasy other life with new baby go. Silly that I’m still holding onto it 6 months later.

      I don’t doubt that I’m depressed, but I’ve been making excuses about being too busy moving house, working, relocating etc to go to the doctor. I think that needs to change.

      Thanks for the prayers Michelle, I’m having trouble believing right now so it’s nice to know someone is believing for me xxx

  5. So sorry for your loss Sarah. I’ve not been in your position before but I have lost someone I love very much and my only ‘advice’ is to do what you’ve begun to do. Talk about it and write about it. Writing was very cathartic for me. Characters in creative essays had my late Mum’s characteristics, everyone I wrote about for a long time was connected to her and then, a few years later, it just all became ‘easier.’ There is no quick fix. But turn to those who love you. x

    • Sarah says:

      I think you’re right about the writing thing, I used to love to write fiction but recently I’m struggling just to blog, and I think this is because I’m holding *everything* inside. Its not good to withhold so much emotion.
      I’m sorry about your mum, but it gives me hope to know that it does get easier after time.

      Hugs xxx

  6. Sarah says:

    Huge thanks to all of you for your comments. The support really helps, and makes me see that sharing and talking and letting all of these emotions out is the only way forward.

    Love to you all xxx

  7. Wendy Hirst says:

    So sorry for your loss Sarah unfortunately I have been in this position twice before you are going through the grieving process. I don’t think you ever forget but it does get easier .Sending you big hugs shout, scream what ever makes you feel better. xxxx

    • Sarah says:

      Thanks so much for the comment Wendy. I think that age old quote ‘time is the greatest healer’ still stands strong. Big hugs to you too xxx

  8. I have just discovered your blog via you following me on twitter and I have to say that miscarriage is one of societies last taboo. I have suffered numerous m/c both before and after having by boys and it is a terrible thing.

    Please feel free to shout about your pain or talk to me about your loss. Take time to heal and I hope things improve

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